Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I didn’t realize that was an option
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.