Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
You Might Also Like
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.