When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
ok this is my dumbest yet
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[shakes fist at other fist]
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”