“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.