So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
technically true but not a great slogan
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
TODAY
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Ok, but like, how married are you?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.