[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
O Wise One….