Finally!
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.