what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!