ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.