The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.