I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming