35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion