Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Best table by far
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what