Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
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Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
New menu item
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*