Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*