Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
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probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
me and the Superbowl rn
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.