You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.