the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards