E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Saw your ex at the shops
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted