If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
what kind of cook setting is this??
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
#polloftheday
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.