If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.