If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
just left a huge legacy in there
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?