Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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Driving in Europe vs Canada
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
You are what you delete.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase