A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If only.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.