Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
prepare for carbonated trouble
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.