Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
You Might Also Like
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.