Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
You Might Also Like
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
⛄️
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math