[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
oh you wanna fight?!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.