MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
You Might Also Like
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.