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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Yes, but it was never about money
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand