A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.