They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
LMAO.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds