i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.