My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
You Might Also Like
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors