My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good