Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body