My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas