promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Yes, this is exactly right
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Good boy 😂😂
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!