[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.