Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.