*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer