Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.