I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You Might Also Like
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁