If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
😎 🍻
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Did my cat write this
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.