I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
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Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”