one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
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Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..