“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
You Might Also Like
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Body by sandwich.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?