Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I have a new favorite meme page
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Coffee for people with no kids
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?