No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
You Might Also Like
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Gods work.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t