Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can鈥檛 afford the rent.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
5: There鈥檚 a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don鈥檛 live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 馃敟
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I鈥檓 an elephant; I鈥檓 hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It鈥檚 an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!